Saturday, July 5, 2014

My Theories Regarding Weight Gain

Theory #1: The Gremlins in my closet.

It is not me getting bigger, it's my clothes getting smaller. There are Gremlins in my closet. During the winter months, they shrink my summer clothes. Then they take a break from the Canadian winter to go to Australia to my cyber friend Duffy's house. It is winter there when it is summer here, and the Duffster says that they wreak the same havoc in his closet.

Then the Gremlins migrate back here for the summer and they shrink my jeans.

And speaking of genes, here is my second theory. It sounds a bit more scientific, for those of you who don't believe in closet gremlins.

Theory #2: Nature vs Nurture:

I call this one my "Rubber Band Conundrum." 

 These two rubber bands represent nature - the genes that you inherited. These are the genes that are responsible for the size of your jeans. 

Some of us inherited a set of genes like the thick rubber band, or even like those short fat ones that they put around broccoli in the produce section of grocery stores.

Others were blessed with a set of genes like the skinny rubber band.

We hates them, them, those skinny ones!

Sorry for that last line. I think one of the Gremlins put that in. 

 Back to my theory of the genes. Humans come in all sizes and shapes, but we think that it should be possible to all look like the skinny rubber band.

Both of the rubber bands that represent nature can be stretched out by nurture, which for this theory represents all of the sane and insane ways that we try to change what nature gave us.

The people whose genes are represented by the skinny rubber band can lose five pounds by skipping breakfast. 

We hates them, them skinny ones. And we hates their precious skinny jeans.

No we don't hate them - get back in the closet, or better yet go visit Duffy. I hear that Australia is lovely this time of year!

Sorry for that. Ahem. The people whose genes are represented by the thick rubber band could eat nothing but salad with no croutons or salad dressing for a month, and we might lose a pound, but as soon as we just look at ice cream or chocolate that pound will come back and bring all its friends.

As you can see in the photos above, the short stubby band can be stretched to be almost as long as the skinny one, but it takes a lot of effort. And then when the skinny one gets stretched, it easily stretches much longer.

When the stubby rubber band stops making the effort to stretch, it goes immediately to a lumpy, misshapen version of its old self.

Theory #3: Weight loss and gain do not obey the laws of mathematics.

Did your gym teacher in high school tell you about the law that said:"Calories in minus calories out equals weight gained or lost"?. It all sounded so... mathematical. Well, my gym teacher did, and she was wrong!

The only law that governs weight loss and gain is Murphy's Law. For example, when my first child was a year old, I decided that I would probably never get back to my pre-pregnancy weight, so I gave away most of my career clothes, and invested in sweat pants with elastic waist bands and comfy t shirts. 

A few months later I was back down to my pre-pregnancy weight. I was regretting the decision to give away my nice clothes, because I was doing some subbing at school, and didn't really want to wear the same dress every time. 

But then I got pregnant again, and even though my weight was the same, I couldn't fit into most of my maternity clothes. I think that babies leave a hollow inside that makes you bigger.

I suppose that there is another law at work with weight - the law of gravity. This law is unkind to women, especially women with the stubby rubber band genes. I used to have an hour glass figure, but now the sand is all in the bottom. By the time baby number the second one was a year old, I was 20 pounds lighter than I was when I got married. So I tried on my wedding dress. I could get the zipper done up, but the dress was kind of empty in the top and significantly tighter in the bottom.

Disclaimer: the parts of the preceding article that are not just made up have been disguised by the author for dramatic effect. Did it work?

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