Wednesday, October 7, 2015

I've Heard it Said . . .

I've heard it said . . .

(on the topic of extinction)

  ~"We have a responsibility to bring these species back."

I say . . . if evolution is true, and depends on genetic mutations to create new species that will thrive on current conditions, then our meddling with the gene pool to preserve specimens 

I've heard it said . . . 

 (as a comment when discussing a death)

   ~"What a shame that she died,  she was so beautiful!"

I say . . .What difference should it make if the one who died is beautiful or not? Isn't it a shame when ugly people die?

I've heard it said . . 

~ "A watched pot never boils!"

I say .... and have noticed  far too often ... A pot never boils until I finally notice that I have once again turned on the wrong element and turn on the right one.

Friday, July 24, 2015

Things that make Canadians go: 'eh'?

Like, Canadians count, eh?

July 24, 2015 - Ok, like I've been using Windows 7 for almost long enough to figure out how to add clip art, and now 'they' want me to start using Windows 10 next week. Hey, like, I can count, eh? What happened to Windows 8 and 9, eh?

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Gravity -- A Poem by Me

Gravity is a law that you cannot break.
Gravity holds you in place.
Without Gravity, the Australians would fall off the planet. That would be bad. I like Australians. They have cool accents.
Gravity is a force that we can only break free of if we had a rocket launcher, and a rocket to launch.
 But not for Mennonites. If you tell a Mennonite that it is launch time, he will go get his launch kit to have launch. Unless you take him to MacDonald's for launch, and offer to pay.
The laws of Gravity are suspended while we sleep, so that we can explore the universe in our dreams. When we awake, the laws of Gravity are reinstated, But there is a buffer zone between asleep and awake during which the forces of Gravity are exponentially stronger than π times the length of your snooze alarm. But you can’t have π for breakfast. If I could, I would have cherry.
Gravity. It sucks. But that is a good thing. Good night. Pleasant dreams!

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Who is the Father of my Baby?

This is one of the most frequently asked questions on Question and Answer websites. Why?

I have had an account at the online Q&A site Web Answers for a few years, and I find it disconcerting that so many women ask this question. I did a search on the site this morning, and found 54 pages of about 30 questions per page. They were all asking the question: “Who is the father of my child?”

That means that on just this one website more than 1600 women wrote in to ask strangers for help in calculating their ovulation cycles. Am I the only one who finds this line of questioning to be just a bit too much information?

I know that the anonymity of the internet makes users more comfortable to share personal information that they normally would not say to a roomful of strangers, but to disclose the days when they had sex with each of the contenders and correlate a chart of their most fertile days seems just a little icky to me.

Ovulation charts and icky personal information notwithstanding, how sad is it that thousands of children are being raised by mothers who are not sure who their fathers are? I know we can’t legislate morality. Perhaps we just need more education about the facts of life and where babies come from.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

What's up with that?

You know those signs they have in public washrooms that say, "All employees must wash their hands before going back to the kitchen and making your pizza" (or something like that)? I noticed one recently that was posted over the mirror, and it had braille. I could just imagine a blind employee, about to go back to work after using the facilities, but then stopping to read a sign in braille. If she didn't wash her hands before she read the sign, she would get germs on the sign, and then when the next blind person came in she could get sick.That would be rough. All of the blind employees getting sick at the same time.

They have braille signs on the outside of the washroom doors in lots of places, too. Again with my imagination - I see a braille sign that says, "Ladies" and I start to think about a blind person, searching the walls, trying to find the sign for the Ladies room. It's like that Star Trek NG episode where they captured an injured Borg and put him in the brig on the Enterprise. He was searching along the wall, trying to find a plug-in to regenerate, poor guy. Can you imagine, being exhausted but not being able to get to sleep because you can't find a plug-in? I hate it when that happens.

I have nothing against blind people. I just thought the sign was funny. I don't really know any blind people, except the guy who did my tattoo, and he is just legally blind. True story. He can see a little bit, with a bright light. I hope he washed his hands after using the bathroom.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

It Goes Without Saying . . . . . . So why are you telling me this?

Lately, I have been taking note of the signs and warnings all around. Things that really ought to be obvious to all. But – we live in a litigious society, and we need proof that we did warn you, so you can’t sue us, we hope.

The first example that comes to mind is the infamous “McDonald’s coffee is hot” incident. Can you believe that this product liability lawsuit is still the ‘poster child’ of frivolous lawsuits 21 years after the fact? It was 1994 when a jury in New Mexico awarded $2.86 million to the plaintiff Stella Liebeck who left the McDonald’s drive through with a cup of coffee stuffed between her legs and suffered third degree burns in her pelvic region because cars didn’t have cup holders back then. So now the cups have to carry the warning that the coffee is hot. Doesn’t that go without saying?

And I would think it would go without saying that sleeping pills may cause drowsiness and that you shouldn’t drive or operate anything dangerous after taking? But I have a prescription bottle of sleeping pills with that warning label emblazoned on a bright red label. I should hope that they make me sleepy. The label also carries the warning that alcohol might intensify this effect. So if you are taking sleeping pills and don’t want to go to sleep, avoid alcohol. On the other hand, if you are taking sleeping pill because you need to get some sleep . . . well, it goes without saying that . . . you know . . . a nice glass of merlot just might be better than counting sheep.

So there you go, knives may be sharp, glue might make things sticky, and that frozen microwave entree might just be hot when you take it out of the microwave oven. Please don’t sue me if you read this blog and think it sounds random. I thought it went without saying. 

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Top Five List of Stuff That Should Never Be Invented, Ever.

I have written lots of articles about stuff that has been invented, like What's an Eight Track?
And then there is this one about stuff that Hollywood prop makers thought up decades before they were invented for real:Science Fiction to Science Fact

But how about an article about things that would best be left on the imagination, like:

1. A TV commercial that follows you to every channel that you click to . . . you can’t escape . . . somebody paid good money to put that commercial on TV and you are going to watch the whole damn thing and you will like it, and as soon as your show is over, you are going to the mall to buy whatever it is I am selling! (Unless you can buy it online, in which case you can order it  during the next commercial).

2.  A credit card reader that calls your spouse instead of the credit card company if you try to buy anything over $100.00.

3.   Along the same lines as #2 – remember the old days when the cashier had to call your credit card company? If your card was declined, the cashier was instructed to take out a pair of scissors and destroy your card in your presence. 
Well, the new card readers - I guess they are not really ‘new’ anymore, but when they were new, I had this thought that if a card was declined, instead of having the cashier dramatically cut the card with scissors, maybe the card reader thingy would just suck the card in and keep it. Then, in a voice like Seinfeld’s ‘Soup Nazi’ it could say "No shopping for you today!"  Or it could use a very soothing female voice,and say: “I’m sorry. Your card has been declined. Go home and pay your bills, Sweetie!”

4.  A fridge (or pantry) that makes you weigh in first, and then only allows access to what you are allowed, like the fruit and veggie drawer, or maybe a two-bite brownie if you have lost a pound or more.

5.  A word processor program for writers that will not allow you to open Facebook until you have written at least 500 words of original text.

Remember: this list was for stuff that we don’t want invented. Ever.